Woman Returns To Fantasy Football League, Is Still Pretty Sure It’s Run By Magic

Detroit, MI – After finishing out last season with a solid 5th place finish, Lauren Church, Detroit’s only semi-professional donutologist, is returning again to take part in her workplace’s fantasy football league. When Church received notification about the invite, she was “shocked and surprised” she was being asked back.

Church looks forward to the draft, sticking with her previous strategy of looking for people with funny names. “I was looking at the names of some of these defensive players I could pick and was really amazed. Like what kind of name is ‘Cleveland Browns’? I know parents get pretty creative these days, but come on.”

Holding her own in third place for most of last season, most of her opponents chalked up her initial success to beginners luck. But not Church. She always knew she was destined for victory.

“My secret to success was never setting my lineup. I just let the whole thing play out. I mean, those guys were all pretty good. I just let them ride. It’s all magic behind the scenes anyway. Like how those state lotto machines with the balls work and how a gas pump knows your tank is full. Magic.”

Her team, Team Chalupa Batman, has one of the more unique logos we’ve seen: clipart of a cat, in a bowtie, sitting in a chair, drinking alcohol. When asked about her inspiration, Church could only say, “Look how smug that cat is!”


When asked for her dream team for the draft, she said that she’d love to have the whole team from the movie Little Giants as well as Buddy the Dog from Air Bud: Golden Receiver. “I mean, this is fantasy football, right?”

All our best to Lauren as the new “footballing” season begins!

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