A Review of Popular “The Force Awakens” Reviews

With over a billion dollars of ticket revenue, it’s safe to assume that a great many people have seen the film Star Wars: The Force Awakens since it was released on December 18. And with that, a great many reviews have come out as well. You know the saying, “Everyone’s a critic!” Well, thanks to the internet, now everyone really IS.

But how often do people critique the critiques? It’s hard to say how good or bad someone’s opinion is unless you have a critical eye who can examine it. Here I humbly offer that service to you.

Richard Brody, The New Yorker:

Brody pretends he’s better than the fans of the series by insisting he could see plot twists a mile away and that every moment was overplayed and the film ultimately crumples under its own weight. But would you have expected any different for a publication whose logo literally has a DUDE HOLDING A MONOCLE?  Rating: 2/10 lightsabers

L’Osservatore Romano, The Daily Newspaper of The Vatican:

Somehow the Catholic Church feels that the dark parts of this film are too dark, the bad guys too bad. The Catholic Church. Yes. That Catholic Church. The ones who believe in something that isn’t too far off from the idea of The Force, also have funny hats, and literally believe in a concept called “eternal damnation”. Rating: 3/10 blue glowy ghost holograms

My Uncle Bob, our Family Christmas Party:

Bob said it was too loud and he couldn’t keep the characters straight. There’s a lady, a black guy, a bigfoot, and some old people. COME ON, BOB. THEY MADE IT SO EASY FOR YOU. HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN A MOVIE BEFORE. SHEESH. P.S. We all know you’re the one who farted. It wasn’t a squeaky folding chair. Rating: 0/10 no wonder you’re divorced

Little Timmy, a child:

“I liked the part where the spaceships when woo and then the lady got the lightsaber.”

You get it, kid. Rating: BB-great

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