November 5, 2016

Area Woman Who Has Been Avoiding the Gym For Months Feels Obligated To Go Only Because it is Next to the Store With the Good Cheese Selection

Detroit, MI – As the holiday season approaches, many people will find themselves returning to old habits of overeating and giving in to culinary indulgences. Area woman Lauren Church is no exception.

Church, Detroit’s only registered cake tester, is gearing up to get ready to start to plan on going to the gym once again. Her gym, only a short ten-minute drive from her house, has a variety of equipment and ample room for her to burn off some calories. It surely will be an excellent opportunity for her health as soon as she actually returns.

When asked about her motivations, Church looked at her feet and said she was, “[going] to the new Kroger over there, which is like RIGHT THERE”. The Kroger, a 60,000 square foot superstore, has a robust selection of goods. “They have an island of cheese. An ISLAND. I mean, if I have to head over there anyway… you know…” she added. “They have a snippins'[sic] bucket. Like small little tester pieces. I like the snippins [sic].”

When we reached out to Church’s gym for comment, they simply said, “Who?”

Church is expected back at her gym sometime this fall.

September 4, 2015

Woman Returns To Fantasy Football League, Is Still Pretty Sure It’s Run By Magic

Detroit, MI – After finishing out last season with a solid 5th place finish, Lauren Church, Detroit’s only semi-professional donutologist, is returning again to take part in her workplace’s fantasy football league. When Church received notification about the invite, she was “shocked and surprised” she was being asked back.

Church looks forward to the draft, sticking with her previous strategy of looking for people with funny names. “I was looking at the names of some of these defensive players I could pick and was really amazed. Like what kind of name is ‘Cleveland Browns’? I know parents get pretty creative these days, but come on.”

Holding her own in third place for most of last season, most of her opponents chalked up her initial success to beginners luck. But not Church. She always knew she was destined for victory.

“My secret to success was never setting my lineup. I just let the whole thing play out. I mean, those guys were all pretty good. I just let them ride. It’s all magic behind the scenes anyway. Like how those state lotto machines with the balls work and how a gas pump knows your tank is full. Magic.”

Her team, Team Chalupa Batman, has one of the more unique logos we’ve seen: clipart of a cat, in a bowtie, sitting in a chair, drinking alcohol. When asked about her inspiration, Church could only say, “Look how smug that cat is!”

When asked for her dream team for the draft, she said that she’d love to have the whole team from the movie Little Giants as well as Buddy the Dog from Air Bud: Golden Receiver. “I mean, this is fantasy football, right?”

All our best to Lauren as the new “footballing” season begins!

September 26, 2014

Clueless Woman Remains Undefeated In Fantasy Football League

Detroit, MI – For the third week in a row, an area woman is enjoying the sweet, sweaty taste of victory. Lauren Church, local sandwich connoisseur and self-proclaimed “Footballing Novice”, has found herself for a third week undefeated in her fantasy football league.

Given only 20 minutes notice, Church was invited to the league due to a last minute drop out. “Honey? Can you reset my yahoo password?” sources overheard her say, in a phone call to her husband. “I need to football.”

And football she HAS. Lauren waded aimlessly through the drafting process, making bold draft time decisions like picking up Chargers player Daniel Woodhead because he had a “funny name”, but since the season opener she has DOMINATED each of her three games.

“I was really surprised by the turn out of the first game. I accidentally played my backup quarterback instead of the better guy!” she said, in an after game interview. “At least he got more Hail Marys and sacks than everyone else.”

Witnesses to the draft and subsequent games have anonymously shared that they are pretty sure Church has no idea how fantasy football is scored or that she even watches football at all. Church openly confirmed these rumors when reached for comment.

“I’m pretty sure they do the fantasy one like… Like… Okay, I really have no idea. But I know a bye week is when the guys are like, ‘Bye, I have things to do like not football’.” That is logic that cannot be argued with.

When asked about how she will maintain her number one status in her league, Church played it cool.

“You know, I’m really just going to try my best. I’ve been training really hard and I feel like I have an excellent team behind me. You know, I’d be nowhere without them. We just need to keep it tight and make sure we keep an eye on injuries. If anything, I know to look at that before Thursday night.”

As for future plans, Church wasn’t sure how she would follow up her first time fantasy football experience. “Maybe I could try fantasy basketball, again. I was on autodraft for a league few years back and got second when the whole thing was over. People were MAD. That was great. I was a real Cinderella story.”

Church is projected to lose in her league this week.