Area Woman Who Has Been Avoiding the Gym For Months Feels Obligated To Go Only Because it is Next to the Store With the Good Cheese Selection

Detroit, MI – As the holiday season approaches, many people will find themselves returning to old habits of overeating and giving in to culinary indulgences. Area woman Lauren Church is no exception.

Church, Detroit’s only registered cake tester, is gearing up to get ready to start to plan on going to the gym once again. Her gym, only a short ten-minute drive from her house, has a variety of equipment and ample room for her to burn off some calories. It surely will be an excellent opportunity for her health as soon as she actually returns.

When asked about her motivations, Church looked at her feet and said she was, “[going] to the new Kroger over there, which is like RIGHT THERE”. The Kroger, a 60,000 square foot superstore, has a robust selection of goods. “They have an island of cheese. An ISLAND. I mean, if I have to head over there anyway… you know…” she added. “They have a snippins'[sic] bucket. Like small little tester pieces. I like the snippins [sic].”

When we reached out to Church’s gym for comment, they simply said, “Who?”

Church is expected back at her gym sometime this fall.


Clueless Woman Remains Undefeated In Fantasy Football League

Detroit, MI – For the third week in a row, an area woman is enjoying the sweet, sweaty taste of victory. Lauren Church, local sandwich connoisseur and self-proclaimed “Footballing Novice”, has found herself for a third week undefeated in her fantasy football league.

Given only 20 minutes notice, Church was invited to the league due to a last minute drop out. “Honey? Can you reset my yahoo password?” sources overheard her say, in a phone call to her husband. “I need to football.”

And football she HAS. Lauren waded aimlessly through the drafting process, making bold draft time decisions like picking up Chargers player Daniel Woodhead because he had a “funny name”, but since the season opener she has DOMINATED each of her three games.

“I was really surprised by the turn out of the first game. I accidentally played my backup quarterback instead of the better guy!” she said, in an after game interview. “At least he got more Hail Marys and sacks than everyone else.”

Witnesses to the draft and subsequent games have anonymously shared that they are pretty sure Church has no idea how fantasy football is scored or that she even watches football at all. Church openly confirmed these rumors when reached for comment.

“I’m pretty sure they do the fantasy one like… Like… Okay, I really have no idea. But I know a bye week is when the guys are like, ‘Bye, I have things to do like not football’.” That is logic that cannot be argued with.

When asked about how she will maintain her number one status in her league, Church played it cool.

“You know, I’m really just going to try my best. I’ve been training really hard and I feel like I have an excellent team behind me. You know, I’d be nowhere without them. We just need to keep it tight and make sure we keep an eye on injuries. If anything, I know to look at that before Thursday night.”

As for future plans, Church wasn’t sure how she would follow up her first time fantasy football experience. “Maybe I could try fantasy basketball, again. I was on autodraft for a league few years back and got second when the whole thing was over. People were MAD. That was great. I was a real Cinderella story.”

Church is projected to lose in her league this week.