Dear Clorox,

Hello marketing team at Clorox! Saaaaaay. I seem to have disrupted your Streamlined Digital Content Synergization Schedule or whatever with the popularity of my suggestion of Pumpkin Spice Bleach.

This message from your representative would seem to indicate that you think this is a bad idea!

This is a picture of the official Clorox Facebook account saying Pumpkin Spice Bleach isn't real.


Woah woah woah. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss what is a golden marketing opportunity. One that I have handed right off to you! For free, I might add!

But you see, this is just the tip of the quickly melting iceberg. There are lots of other marketunities here. (see what I did there) (you love it) (seriously I’ll just take a job in middle management now thank you)

For example! At Easter time, lots of families have cleaning up to do after making a big holiday meal. I’m sure there are spills from their adorable offspring, all hopped up (get it) (again I’m a genius) on chocolate bunnies.


A container of Peep flavored bleach.

Peep bleach! All the marshmallowy sugarness you love, but none of the staleness and regret over not just buying Cadbury Eggs instead.

See, what I’m suggesting is that you’ve got to focus on other chances to get your product into homes! Might I suggest that the ides of March may have something in store for you?


Luck of the Irish Bleach, with a leprechaun puking a rainbow.

Irish eyes won’t be the only ones smiling over your spotless bathroom! Luck o’ the Irish flavor will be able to knock out a mess from even the most rowdy of St. Patrick’s Day parties. What does it smell like? Rainbows and bleach!

And finally, in the last of these dog days of summer, what better to choose than…

Sweet Tea Clorox.

Served up to consumers in a jug, just like real Sweet Tea. Bring some southern comfort to your floors!

I hope my suggestions have sparked your imagination. You’re welcome. I am available for team building exercises, secret shopping, and market research assistance. I await your phone call.

I think it’s time to introduce Dr. Puppet Lauren.

Nick and I were given a puppet that looks like me as a wedding gift. It’s from the Whatnot Muppet Shop at FAO Schwarz. She is Puppet Lauren. Here’s a picture we’ve photoshopped of the two of us:



Now, as a grown adult person with a muppet of themselves I looked for opportunities (oppuppetunities, really) to bust her out. One presented itself a few years back when one of my best friends was recovering from nasal surgery. You see, the Whatnot Muppets are the same size as a medium dog would be in a costume at Target. After Halloween they had a doctor costume leftover and thus Puppet Lauren got her medical licence. I went to my friend’s house and advised her I was there to fill her prescription FOR LAUGHS.



Turns out you shouldn’t make your friend recovering from surgery in her FACE AREA laugh. Whoops. This was going to go on her ratemydoctor profile for sure.

Dr. Puppet Lauren continued to be a fun part of our lives, showing up occasional to dispense medical advice that was practical and handy. If you have any questions, I’m sure she’d be happy to give advice. Below is a PSA she did for The Internet: