Dear Clorox,

Hello marketing team at Clorox! Saaaaaay. I seem to have disrupted your Streamlined Digital Content Synergization Schedule or whatever with the popularity of my suggestion of Pumpkin Spice Bleach.

This message from your representative would seem to indicate that you think this is a bad idea!

This is a picture of the official Clorox Facebook account saying Pumpkin Spice Bleach isn't real.

 

Woah woah woah. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss what is a golden marketing opportunity. One that I have handed right off to you! For free, I might add!

But you see, this is just the tip of the quickly melting iceberg. There are lots of other marketunities here. (see what I did there) (you love it) (seriously I’ll just take a job in middle management now thank you)

For example! At Easter time, lots of families have cleaning up to do after making a big holiday meal. I’m sure there are spills from their adorable offspring, all hopped up (get it) (again I’m a genius) on chocolate bunnies.

I PRESENT TO YOU…

A container of Peep flavored bleach.

Peep bleach! All the marshmallowy sugarness you love, but none of the staleness and regret over not just buying Cadbury Eggs instead.

See, what I’m suggesting is that you’ve got to focus on other chances to get your product into homes! Might I suggest that the ides of March may have something in store for you?

TA DA.

Luck of the Irish Bleach, with a leprechaun puking a rainbow.

Irish eyes won’t be the only ones smiling over your spotless bathroom! Luck o’ the Irish flavor will be able to knock out a mess from even the most rowdy of St. Patrick’s Day parties. What does it smell like? Rainbows and bleach!

And finally, in the last of these dog days of summer, what better to choose than…

Sweet Tea Clorox.

Served up to consumers in a jug, just like real Sweet Tea. Bring some southern comfort to your floors!

I hope my suggestions have sparked your imagination. You’re welcome. I am available for team building exercises, secret shopping, and market research assistance. I await your phone call.

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I think it’s time to introduce Dr. Puppet Lauren.

Nick and I were given a puppet that looks like me as a wedding gift. It’s from the Whatnot Muppet Shop at FAO Schwarz. She is Puppet Lauren. Here’s a picture we’ve photoshopped of the two of us:

maninthemirror

 

Now, as a grown adult person with a muppet of themselves I looked for opportunities (oppuppetunities, really) to bust her out. One presented itself a few years back when one of my best friends was recovering from nasal surgery. You see, the Whatnot Muppets are the same size as a medium dog would be in a costume at Target. After Halloween they had a doctor costume leftover and thus Puppet Lauren got her medical licence. I went to my friend’s house and advised her I was there to fill her prescription FOR LAUGHS.

shesadoctor

 

Turns out you shouldn’t make your friend recovering from surgery in her FACE AREA laugh. Whoops. This was going to go on her ratemydoctor profile for sure.

Dr. Puppet Lauren continued to be a fun part of our lives, showing up occasional to dispense medical advice that was practical and handy. If you have any questions, I’m sure she’d be happy to give advice. Below is a PSA she did for The Internet:

drpuppetpsa

Happy Casual Friday aka July 4th

I hope everyone has a great holiday! I will be working, then painting. A quick story from last night.

I went to work to see the fireworks. I knew they played along with the 1812 Overture. At the appropriate time, we cranked it up but when the song ended early while the fireworks were still going we’d realized it was a few minutes off. My solution for the finale? Put on Yakety Sax. It was a beautiful moment for America. I suggest it to anyone!

Here’s a silly story about Nick’s wedding anniversary present.

I figured an easy way to get back in the groove of blogging was to post some recycled content! This was originally written August 5th, 2010 and it’s not like anyone’s going to remember anything from back then, right? We were all babies then! Enjoy!

 

I was at Toys R Us when I formulated the Secret Plan Operation “Tinfoil Surprise”. See, Nick has wanted to play Red Dead Redemption. He loves video games and loves westerns so its natural that he’d want Red Dead Redemption. But he had already forbade me from buying it for him.

I was at Toys R Us to buy a baby shower gift anyway, and I figured it’d make a good wedding anniversary gift for Nick.

But if I bought it today, our wedding anniversary was like 22 days later! How would I pull this off?! It quickly became clear what I needed to do.

Jump to our apartment a few hours later!

Nick: I hope you didn’t do anything silly while you were at Toys R Us. Like buy Red Dead Redemption.
Me: Noooo… of COOOURSE not! *grabs Toys R Us bag* *grabs roll of tinfoil* *goes into the back of the apartment*
Nick: uhhhhh
Me: I NEED TO GO IN THE BEDROOM FOR A MINUTE

A FEW MINUTES LATER I EMERGE FROM THE BACK OF THE APARTMENT WRAPPED IN TINFOIL

Me: NICK. NICK I’M HERE FROM THE FUTURE.
Nick: what! what the- I swear! what!
Me: I AM HERE FROM THE FUTURE WHICH YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE FROM MY CLOTHING MADE OF TINFOIL
(It is literally a sheet of tinfoil I’m holding up around my torso.)
Nick: Yes, CLEARLY you’re from the future.
Me: You see, I’m here from August 28th, our wedding anniversary, with your present. A copy of Red Dead Redemption. See, you were so sad that I waited until our anniversary to give this to you instead of giving it to you today, the day I bought it, THAT YOU DIED
Nick: I died?!
Me: YES YOU DIED AND I WAS SAD SO I CAME BACK HERE FROM THE FUTURE TO THE PAST TO GIVE THIS TO YOU
Nick: Oh, thank you Lallers!
Me: I love you and don’t die and Lauren wants a flying car. Because they have them in the future where I’m from.
Nick: uhhh okay
Me: OKAY BYE

I then ran back, tore the tinfoil off, and ran out.

Me: Sorry Nick, I passed out there, that is SO WEIRD!

Nick then proceeds to explain that Lauren from the future came to give him a game. I just kept loudly saying THAT’S SO CRAZY, HOW WEIRD over and over.

I am awesome.