A Review of Popular “The Force Awakens” Reviews

With over a billion dollars of ticket revenue, it’s safe to assume that a great many people have seen the film Star Wars: The Force Awakens since it was released on December 18. And with that, a great many reviews have come out as well. You know the saying, “Everyone’s a critic!” Well, thanks to the internet, now everyone really IS.

But how often do people critique the critiques? It’s hard to say how good or bad someone’s opinion is unless you have a critical eye who can examine it. Here I humbly offer that service to you.

Richard Brody, The New Yorker:

Brody pretends he’s better than the fans of the series by insisting he could see plot twists a mile away and that every moment was overplayed and the film ultimately crumples under its own weight. But would you have expected any different for a publication whose logo literally has a DUDE HOLDING A MONOCLE?  Rating: 2/10 lightsabers

L’Osservatore Romano, The Daily Newspaper of The Vatican:

Somehow the Catholic Church feels that the dark parts of this film are too dark, the bad guys too bad. The Catholic Church. Yes. That Catholic Church. The ones who believe in something that isn’t too far off from the idea of The Force, also have funny hats, and literally believe in a concept called “eternal damnation”. Rating: 3/10 blue glowy ghost holograms

My Uncle Bob, our Family Christmas Party:

Bob said it was too loud and he couldn’t keep the characters straight. There’s a lady, a black guy, a bigfoot, and some old people. COME ON, BOB. THEY MADE IT SO EASY FOR YOU. HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN A MOVIE BEFORE. SHEESH. P.S. We all know you’re the one who farted. It wasn’t a squeaky folding chair. Rating: 0/10 no wonder you’re divorced

Little Timmy, a child:

“I liked the part where the spaceships when woo and then the lady got the lightsaber.”

You get it, kid. Rating: BB-great

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Star Wars: The Fandom Menace

r2d2and1

This is the time I met R2D2. I was dressed as Princess Leia.

I’m excited for Star Wars.

Star Wars was always a big part of my geekdom. My brother and I had been watching Ghostbusters 1 and 2 in a never ending loop until the trilogy entered our lives. Then everything changed. The VHS tapes ran non-stop during my pre-teen years. We read the books and played the games. We pretended to be stormtroopers and rebels fighting each other. Star Wars was our thing.

When my husband and I first started dating, I said “I love you” first. He would respond with, “I know.” This is, of course, a quote between Leia and Han before he’s frozen in carbonite. For some months this exchange would happen between us until he finally said, “I love you too.” (Sucker. Hee hee.) We would eventually play a piece of music from Episode 4 at our wedding. (TO BE FAIR you can’t really tell it’s from Star Wars. At least the part we chose. The video starts there.)

 

Oh yeah, and I met the author that killed off Chewbacca in the books. (Now noncanonical.) Crushed him with a moon. He was delighted to sign this custom image I created commemorating the event:

Squish the hairball.

I’m trying to say that this series has meant a lot to me. But I can’t say that I’m the biggest fan.

I can’t rattle off trivia and lines. I don’t know specs of imaginary ships and weapons off the top of my head. I don’t enjoy the prequels but I won’t get in a fist fight about them. I care – but not that much. Sometimes people have a huge problem with that. Unless you’re a diehard biggest and baddest fan in the galaxy, you’re nothing. A poser. A loser. In the current political climate, you’d think we’d have more divisive issues. But right now it’s all about Star Wars and how serious of a fan you are.

And since when did NERDS of all people turn on ourselves this way? Calm down everyone. Sheesh. Anyway.

I just would like to remind everyone that there is a group that hovers above the casual fan but below the super hardcore people. We like this universe and we’re excited to see what happens next. We’re just a little more mellow than you polycarbonate clad scruffy nerf herders. Maybe you feel like this makes you better than us. And really, that’s okay. You can go all out. You do you! The thing is we’re all fans. There’s no reason to be That Guy.

Unless you like Episode One. Then you’re just on the wrong side of history.